Well hello there stranger. I stumbled upon this as I was reading another blog, and signed in using my gmail to post a comment. I got to reading all my old posts.
I think I summed up my situation really well, back then, and I'm surprised how eloquent / thoughtful / analytical I was about things then.
Things have changed a lot, I had a lot of ups and downs. (God there have been some downs - but I'm certainly on the up). I'll bore you with them in due course, as I think spewing forth my thoughts into the written word is very therapeutic to me.
I say 'you' - I now know after almost two years of inactivity (no comments or anything) I actually mean the future me. It was great (a little painful, a little liberating) recounting my experience then, especially when I compare myself now to where I was then. I think it can only be a good thing.
Maybe one day I'll show this to a loved one, not sure though, as I will likely be writing a lot about them and want to be REALLY honest about things. That's not necessarily conducive to sharing, sometimes. We'll see.
Anyway - want to keep this short (i.e. get the ball rolling but I'm at work now so actually need to do some work!)
Speak soon,
D
Wednesday, 30 November 2011
Sunday, 10 January 2010
On yer bike....
So I just sold my motorbike. I am now a maelstrom of emotions....
Back in mid-to-late 2008, I set about with unwaivering determination to get my motorbike licence. Which after a few knockbacks at CBT and full licence test level – I eventually got. A lot of money was sunk into those lessons.
As soon as I started lessons, I began telling everyone who would listen about how I would be this hardcore rider, subscribed to magazines. As I'm actually typing this out I can hear the proud new owner rev'ing the engine. Whoops I forgot to tell him that the rev counter dial isn't actually connected. D'oh. Although I'm not that bothered – when I mention how much I sold it for you'll understand (to come later... see, I'm creating suspense)
So anyway back to my motorbike lessons. I started these when Karen and I was on my many breaks. I think in hindsight that she was definitely my motivation (even though we were broken up) as she used to swoon at the mere sight of some dude swaddled in an all-in-one leather suit astride his super sport bike. My jealousy knew no bounds. Also, what surprised me, was no matter how much of a sh*t her ex was – she would recount the tales of her riding on the back his bike with her eyes glazing over.
I think part of my motivation would also be because guys with bikes were a bit of an attraction to the fairer sex. Although I kinda wonder now, what type of girls (maybe part of my bitterness towards Karen)
So after I passed my test. One of my ex-uni mates Ike (who I must point out is a lovely, genuine guy) said he'd sell me his old bike as he just got a new 'fixer upper' and wanted to focus on that. £400 – done. I was stoked.
Problems I had was the practicality of it all and the fact that the bike gave me nothing but issues since I had it. I managed to ride it a few times to my weekly footy kickabout with mates. But then battery issues started to occur. There was no charge going from engine to battery -so that needed work. When I was sorting other stuff out I needed to replace the rear tyre (it was almost bald) and a host of other things that saw me need to sink another £400. Ike was geniunely sorry and couldn't believe the issues I had – I just think it was because he used it everyday – whereas my usage was recreational.
Other practicalities included the fact that the bike was improbably heavy (heavier than normal bikes I had test rode) anyway, the fact that I'm a short-arse as well didn't help. I dropped the bike a few times – and when I was going to ride to Karen's to support her on some half-marathon (we were still on the break then), the front brake came off in my hands. Luckily, it was near to home – but happened on a main road and shook me up. I called Karen and said I couldn't make it. She asked about taking the train, I said I wasn't in the frame of mind. We had the worst fight in the world and that's when contact stopped (the last time). So yeah – some painful memories attached to this bloody bike.
Also some good memories, which makes me a little sad. A little later on, when we had got back together - Karen gave her unbridled support to me selling the bike as I wasn't riding it. Other practicalities had arisen, specifically that I was working out of town during the week and the weekends were spent with her. The bike needed time, care, attention and more money to iron out it's niggles – I just had enough of it by that point and wanted rid. So I put it on eBay, through much prompting and support from Karen. I managed to get a final bid of £500 on it. I was stoked. Excited. Making money on the bike! (Well not really if you count how much I spent on repairs and that – but still......)
So the prospective buyers came along. Had a look at the bike. I went to the bike place and got a new battery for it (£49 – ok still a £50 profit though!). We got it started with the charge and that – things were good. Then the guy's (who was a new rider and had his arm in a cast) friend took it out on a test ride – the so-called 'experienced' rider – dropped it at the junction. We ran to his aid. The f*cking front brake (that I paid £10 to get replaced!) had sheared off. No worries.
This is where my world fell apart. The experienced rider put it at high revs and said he thought he heard something weird. I couldn't hear anything and wondered what he was using as a benchmark. He had admitted he hadn't owned my make of bike before. Also a new rider wouldn't even get into those high revs. So for stop-gap it was fine.
They then asked for private time for a chat. The guy with his arm in a cast came to me and said they wouldn't be buying the bike. Here's the odd thing though – for such a forthright who demonstrates typical Mediterranean traits when he's been done wrong, I did not act as I normally would. I smiled and said I understood. I don't know why.... maybe because there were 3 of them (his dad was there) and they were a little chavvy? I had spent 5 hours that Saturday getting the bike prepp'ed with them. Spent £50 on a battery. I was gutted. More gutted than angry – but the anger with them soon developed. I'm still miffed about it now. They didn't even offer to pay for the broken brake. Why did I let them get away with that? Idiot.
So I was gutted. Karen was angry that I hadn't given them more stick. But I was just so drained by the rejection that I probably didn't have any fight in me. In fairness, Karen was very supportive of me and she did try (in vein) to get me to put it back on eBay and get it fixed up. But I was so afraid of going through another experience like that. I didn't. I left the bike to rot in the backgarden. That was April 2009 when that happened.
I'm moving place soon, so I needed to do something about the bike. I actually dreaded the rigmarole of having to list it and meet prospective bidders, and had been putting it off and putting it off. But then last night – just before midnight – something happened. I just got my head down, wrote all the things wrong with the bike and that it wasn't roadworthy and listed it.
I decided to list it for a buy it now price of £50. (After £800 spent and all the effort – you now have a flavour of how much I wanted to be rid of the bloody thing) and put it on there for 10 days, because I didn't think it was an attractive prospect, a broken bike with no front brake and the fact that someone would have to come pick it up (especially with the deep freeze we've been having lately). It was sold within 5 minutes.
The guy contacted me asking when he could pick it up. I said Sunday was good. As I said – he left not long ago. I also had another guy saying, 'If you don't sell your bike – I'll take it off your hands for £100' (I don't know why he didn't just bid for it – maybe wanted to do a cash deal like this guy). But to be honest, it was no longer about the money – it was more than that. It was what the bike symbolised – good and bad times with Karen and closure on them, wasted effort, knockbacks, unfulfilled dreams (maybe sounds a bit dramatic).
Also, I couldn't take my bike to my new place. So again, practicalities. The thing is – looking on the positive side – I got my motorbike licence. So if I ever have the time, money and inclination to pick it back up – I will. We'll see. It's funny how a story about a piece of machinery has lead me to learn so much about myself and also from my mistakes relating to it and also, to feel so much now it's gone.
Back in mid-to-late 2008, I set about with unwaivering determination to get my motorbike licence. Which after a few knockbacks at CBT and full licence test level – I eventually got. A lot of money was sunk into those lessons.
As soon as I started lessons, I began telling everyone who would listen about how I would be this hardcore rider, subscribed to magazines. As I'm actually typing this out I can hear the proud new owner rev'ing the engine. Whoops I forgot to tell him that the rev counter dial isn't actually connected. D'oh. Although I'm not that bothered – when I mention how much I sold it for you'll understand (to come later... see, I'm creating suspense)
So anyway back to my motorbike lessons. I started these when Karen and I was on my many breaks. I think in hindsight that she was definitely my motivation (even though we were broken up) as she used to swoon at the mere sight of some dude swaddled in an all-in-one leather suit astride his super sport bike. My jealousy knew no bounds. Also, what surprised me, was no matter how much of a sh*t her ex was – she would recount the tales of her riding on the back his bike with her eyes glazing over.
I think part of my motivation would also be because guys with bikes were a bit of an attraction to the fairer sex. Although I kinda wonder now, what type of girls (maybe part of my bitterness towards Karen)
So after I passed my test. One of my ex-uni mates Ike (who I must point out is a lovely, genuine guy) said he'd sell me his old bike as he just got a new 'fixer upper' and wanted to focus on that. £400 – done. I was stoked.
Problems I had was the practicality of it all and the fact that the bike gave me nothing but issues since I had it. I managed to ride it a few times to my weekly footy kickabout with mates. But then battery issues started to occur. There was no charge going from engine to battery -so that needed work. When I was sorting other stuff out I needed to replace the rear tyre (it was almost bald) and a host of other things that saw me need to sink another £400. Ike was geniunely sorry and couldn't believe the issues I had – I just think it was because he used it everyday – whereas my usage was recreational.
Other practicalities included the fact that the bike was improbably heavy (heavier than normal bikes I had test rode) anyway, the fact that I'm a short-arse as well didn't help. I dropped the bike a few times – and when I was going to ride to Karen's to support her on some half-marathon (we were still on the break then), the front brake came off in my hands. Luckily, it was near to home – but happened on a main road and shook me up. I called Karen and said I couldn't make it. She asked about taking the train, I said I wasn't in the frame of mind. We had the worst fight in the world and that's when contact stopped (the last time). So yeah – some painful memories attached to this bloody bike.
Also some good memories, which makes me a little sad. A little later on, when we had got back together - Karen gave her unbridled support to me selling the bike as I wasn't riding it. Other practicalities had arisen, specifically that I was working out of town during the week and the weekends were spent with her. The bike needed time, care, attention and more money to iron out it's niggles – I just had enough of it by that point and wanted rid. So I put it on eBay, through much prompting and support from Karen. I managed to get a final bid of £500 on it. I was stoked. Excited. Making money on the bike! (Well not really if you count how much I spent on repairs and that – but still......)
So the prospective buyers came along. Had a look at the bike. I went to the bike place and got a new battery for it (£49 – ok still a £50 profit though!). We got it started with the charge and that – things were good. Then the guy's (who was a new rider and had his arm in a cast) friend took it out on a test ride – the so-called 'experienced' rider – dropped it at the junction. We ran to his aid. The f*cking front brake (that I paid £10 to get replaced!) had sheared off. No worries.
This is where my world fell apart. The experienced rider put it at high revs and said he thought he heard something weird. I couldn't hear anything and wondered what he was using as a benchmark. He had admitted he hadn't owned my make of bike before. Also a new rider wouldn't even get into those high revs. So for stop-gap it was fine.
They then asked for private time for a chat. The guy with his arm in a cast came to me and said they wouldn't be buying the bike. Here's the odd thing though – for such a forthright who demonstrates typical Mediterranean traits when he's been done wrong, I did not act as I normally would. I smiled and said I understood. I don't know why.... maybe because there were 3 of them (his dad was there) and they were a little chavvy? I had spent 5 hours that Saturday getting the bike prepp'ed with them. Spent £50 on a battery. I was gutted. More gutted than angry – but the anger with them soon developed. I'm still miffed about it now. They didn't even offer to pay for the broken brake. Why did I let them get away with that? Idiot.
So I was gutted. Karen was angry that I hadn't given them more stick. But I was just so drained by the rejection that I probably didn't have any fight in me. In fairness, Karen was very supportive of me and she did try (in vein) to get me to put it back on eBay and get it fixed up. But I was so afraid of going through another experience like that. I didn't. I left the bike to rot in the backgarden. That was April 2009 when that happened.
I'm moving place soon, so I needed to do something about the bike. I actually dreaded the rigmarole of having to list it and meet prospective bidders, and had been putting it off and putting it off. But then last night – just before midnight – something happened. I just got my head down, wrote all the things wrong with the bike and that it wasn't roadworthy and listed it.
I decided to list it for a buy it now price of £50. (After £800 spent and all the effort – you now have a flavour of how much I wanted to be rid of the bloody thing) and put it on there for 10 days, because I didn't think it was an attractive prospect, a broken bike with no front brake and the fact that someone would have to come pick it up (especially with the deep freeze we've been having lately). It was sold within 5 minutes.
The guy contacted me asking when he could pick it up. I said Sunday was good. As I said – he left not long ago. I also had another guy saying, 'If you don't sell your bike – I'll take it off your hands for £100' (I don't know why he didn't just bid for it – maybe wanted to do a cash deal like this guy). But to be honest, it was no longer about the money – it was more than that. It was what the bike symbolised – good and bad times with Karen and closure on them, wasted effort, knockbacks, unfulfilled dreams (maybe sounds a bit dramatic).
Also, I couldn't take my bike to my new place. So again, practicalities. The thing is – looking on the positive side – I got my motorbike licence. So if I ever have the time, money and inclination to pick it back up – I will. We'll see. It's funny how a story about a piece of machinery has lead me to learn so much about myself and also from my mistakes relating to it and also, to feel so much now it's gone.
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Job's a good 'un (?)
It seems like the universe is giving me way too many reasons to skive from work. 'Swine flu pandemic', 'Snow drifts in the UK' , and also the kindness of the people I currently work with to give me 'working from home' time to tend to my personal affairs.
I've been working in my industry – the Management Consultancy industry since I left university in 2001. One of the many tensions with my recently failed relationship was the fact that I had to work away for long periods (that and Karen was insecure and didn't trust me due to baggage from her past relationship(s) ).
I also had ongoing frustrations with working away from home for so long and not being able to settle / have continuity anywhere. Particularly London, which I consider my home. I have had many friends that have drifted away as I've not had a chance to consolidate my relationship with them. The demands of my job plus the demands of Karen (for she was uber-demanding) meant I didn't have the time or inclination to go out, keep in touch or anything.
This because abundantly clear after my breakup. Whereas Karen is an attractive girl who decided to base her social life on all the men that had chased her whilst we were together – I was stuck for anything to do. My flatmate / landlord Terry was in Dubai for the foreseeable – I actually didn't have that much cash – or anyone I could hang out with (I had been working abroad for a long period of time, and the rest of the time was spent fighting with Karen or trying to keep her happy)
Slowly but surely, I've built back up a semblance of a social life. I'm still hamstrung by money at the moment – having ridiculous outgoings on my car, car insurance (I have a big car and had an accident last year – doh!) and a holiday in Feb. Calling on old friends from school, ex-uni mates, and other satellite mates who actually were up for reconnecting has seen me maintain some form of sanity.
So my point is – after the breakup with Karen, I went to therapy and soon found out that I was deeply unhappy with my job and industry – these were the key reasons why:
i)Working away from home in a strange place.
ii)The people are generally single, cheating on their partners or going through a divorce
iii)The main form of entertainment is getting drunk. (Whilst good on the odd weekend – most nights during the week? No thanks)
iv)As explained above – no opportunity to consolidate relationships or friendships or what-have-you. Very frustrating
I actually enjoy the work I do. I went in yesterday and threw myself into it – and was happy when I made a major breakthrough on some ridiculously difficult work I have to deliver. As it is – I can't consolidate that – as I've used a GP's appointment and the snow as an excuse to work from home.
At the end of last month – I was offered the chance to apply for Voluntary Redundancy. Now for those who know me – the term 'redundancy' strikes fear into my heart – even if it was prefixed with 'Voluntary' (which I assume affords a deal more respectability). I, in the past, have been a bit of a career snob. I think myself as a lot more ambitious than the majority of my friends, and more successful. I took pride in this, foolishly. I have since realised how 1-dimensional my life is and how much well-rounded theirs are. Not that it's a sign of failure – but the fact that they are getting closer to settling down or have settled down and are having children and I'm nowhere near that – is telling. Not that I let that get to me – I embrace where I am and I am enjoying my life at the moment – 'everything happens for a reason'
So anyway, my company gave me the opportunity to obtain a monetary quote attached to going for Voluntary Redundancy. I had a look and it was pretty damn attractive – given I'd been at the company only for a year and that.
I got to asking advice from various important people in my life – Karen (yes she was still lingering around at that point), my best friend Simon, my mum – and they all said the same thing – 'You've been unhappy for a long time with your job, you should go for it'.
Bit more background here – the previous job I had with a Big 5 consultancy I was there for 2 years and the first year was hell. The 2nd year was made a lot better by the fact I made some great friends when I was there (who I am still really good friends with). But, the hours were long, long, long and I got it in my head that I wanted to 'get back to basics' and changed jobs – only to endure more of the same misery at the new job that I did at the previous one. Sigh.....
So I went for VR (Voluntary Redundancy). Problem was due to UK Employment Law or similar – I had to wait on a 90 day consultation period. During this time – I managed to work from home on a project and then when I finished, avoid being re-assigned to a new project. In one sense it was bliss – I was lounging in my pyjamas – eating healthily, watching TV, recharging and recovering from all the stress of the Karen fallout. On the other hand, I had A LOT of time to think, and ouch did I think too much – haha... oh well – I think it's made me stronger going forward. My problem with my last relationship breakup was it took me 3 bloody years to get over that. This is probably been 4 months and although I know there are still some residual things there – I do feel a lot better in a lot of ways.
So during this 90 days, I found my dream – to become a ski instructor in the States – that was the dream – the redundancy money would pay for the course, pay off my debts (car and credit cards) and give me some spending money until I would be earning for myself.
I love skiing – being doing it for 3 years – but only actually one holiday – in France. Rest of the time have been on the snowslopes in Hemel Hempstead. But I took to it quite quickly and loved the feeling of flying down the slopes at speed and trying new surfaces, things and that.
So I sounded out the places I was considering and got my plan together (buying equipment, practice sessions etc etc.). Now I had to sit and wait.
It was AGONY – as my redundancy reps updated me I went from 'I'm definitely going to get this' to 'there's no way I'm going to get it' and was horrified at the prospect of having to stay in the UK and not be able to escape my problems with my job and with Karen.
Towards the end – I thought I was definitely going to get it. And as 11th December rolled around – I was told that my application for VR had been declined. Gutted. Distraught.
But I went on the 'everything happens for a reason' tip and now here I am. Lots of my friends, whilst sad for me – offered me perspective in the way of at least my company value me. Balls to my company I say – they value me because I earn them money. That's that.
So here I am – sitting here. Writing a convoluted background to possibly nobody (I doubt anyone has read this – still very therapeutic for me though) on the issues I have with working my job. The thing is – I need this job as it pays a great deal of money and I need to work to a) Paying off my debts and b) Saving for skiing instructor's course.
Problem is – I am moving to a more expensive part of London in a few weeks – I've built up lavish tastes.
On the flip side – it is only for 6 months – and those good friends that got me by my last job – are all based in Birimingham – so I have sounded out the possibility of moving up there for a bit in an attempt to save money and also have a laugh. We'll see... it is, after all in 6 months time – and anything can happen in the interim period.
I need to look at the positives of my job:
i)It pays me a lot of money – that I can enjoy. Funds my skiing hobby, football season ticket, going out with friends, eating good / healthy food, gym membership etc etc etc.
ii)I actually do enjoy the work itself
iii)I am paying off my debts quicker with this high paying job
I need these 3 to counterbalance the negatives listed above and I'm set! Now therein lies the challenge.....
Cheers all – hope you're not being too snowed in at the moment!
D
I've been working in my industry – the Management Consultancy industry since I left university in 2001. One of the many tensions with my recently failed relationship was the fact that I had to work away for long periods (that and Karen was insecure and didn't trust me due to baggage from her past relationship(s) ).
I also had ongoing frustrations with working away from home for so long and not being able to settle / have continuity anywhere. Particularly London, which I consider my home. I have had many friends that have drifted away as I've not had a chance to consolidate my relationship with them. The demands of my job plus the demands of Karen (for she was uber-demanding) meant I didn't have the time or inclination to go out, keep in touch or anything.
This because abundantly clear after my breakup. Whereas Karen is an attractive girl who decided to base her social life on all the men that had chased her whilst we were together – I was stuck for anything to do. My flatmate / landlord Terry was in Dubai for the foreseeable – I actually didn't have that much cash – or anyone I could hang out with (I had been working abroad for a long period of time, and the rest of the time was spent fighting with Karen or trying to keep her happy)
Slowly but surely, I've built back up a semblance of a social life. I'm still hamstrung by money at the moment – having ridiculous outgoings on my car, car insurance (I have a big car and had an accident last year – doh!) and a holiday in Feb. Calling on old friends from school, ex-uni mates, and other satellite mates who actually were up for reconnecting has seen me maintain some form of sanity.
So my point is – after the breakup with Karen, I went to therapy and soon found out that I was deeply unhappy with my job and industry – these were the key reasons why:
i)Working away from home in a strange place.
ii)The people are generally single, cheating on their partners or going through a divorce
iii)The main form of entertainment is getting drunk. (Whilst good on the odd weekend – most nights during the week? No thanks)
iv)As explained above – no opportunity to consolidate relationships or friendships or what-have-you. Very frustrating
I actually enjoy the work I do. I went in yesterday and threw myself into it – and was happy when I made a major breakthrough on some ridiculously difficult work I have to deliver. As it is – I can't consolidate that – as I've used a GP's appointment and the snow as an excuse to work from home.
At the end of last month – I was offered the chance to apply for Voluntary Redundancy. Now for those who know me – the term 'redundancy' strikes fear into my heart – even if it was prefixed with 'Voluntary' (which I assume affords a deal more respectability). I, in the past, have been a bit of a career snob. I think myself as a lot more ambitious than the majority of my friends, and more successful. I took pride in this, foolishly. I have since realised how 1-dimensional my life is and how much well-rounded theirs are. Not that it's a sign of failure – but the fact that they are getting closer to settling down or have settled down and are having children and I'm nowhere near that – is telling. Not that I let that get to me – I embrace where I am and I am enjoying my life at the moment – 'everything happens for a reason'
So anyway, my company gave me the opportunity to obtain a monetary quote attached to going for Voluntary Redundancy. I had a look and it was pretty damn attractive – given I'd been at the company only for a year and that.
I got to asking advice from various important people in my life – Karen (yes she was still lingering around at that point), my best friend Simon, my mum – and they all said the same thing – 'You've been unhappy for a long time with your job, you should go for it'.
Bit more background here – the previous job I had with a Big 5 consultancy I was there for 2 years and the first year was hell. The 2nd year was made a lot better by the fact I made some great friends when I was there (who I am still really good friends with). But, the hours were long, long, long and I got it in my head that I wanted to 'get back to basics' and changed jobs – only to endure more of the same misery at the new job that I did at the previous one. Sigh.....
So I went for VR (Voluntary Redundancy). Problem was due to UK Employment Law or similar – I had to wait on a 90 day consultation period. During this time – I managed to work from home on a project and then when I finished, avoid being re-assigned to a new project. In one sense it was bliss – I was lounging in my pyjamas – eating healthily, watching TV, recharging and recovering from all the stress of the Karen fallout. On the other hand, I had A LOT of time to think, and ouch did I think too much – haha... oh well – I think it's made me stronger going forward. My problem with my last relationship breakup was it took me 3 bloody years to get over that. This is probably been 4 months and although I know there are still some residual things there – I do feel a lot better in a lot of ways.
So during this 90 days, I found my dream – to become a ski instructor in the States – that was the dream – the redundancy money would pay for the course, pay off my debts (car and credit cards) and give me some spending money until I would be earning for myself.
I love skiing – being doing it for 3 years – but only actually one holiday – in France. Rest of the time have been on the snowslopes in Hemel Hempstead. But I took to it quite quickly and loved the feeling of flying down the slopes at speed and trying new surfaces, things and that.
So I sounded out the places I was considering and got my plan together (buying equipment, practice sessions etc etc.). Now I had to sit and wait.
It was AGONY – as my redundancy reps updated me I went from 'I'm definitely going to get this' to 'there's no way I'm going to get it' and was horrified at the prospect of having to stay in the UK and not be able to escape my problems with my job and with Karen.
Towards the end – I thought I was definitely going to get it. And as 11th December rolled around – I was told that my application for VR had been declined. Gutted. Distraught.
But I went on the 'everything happens for a reason' tip and now here I am. Lots of my friends, whilst sad for me – offered me perspective in the way of at least my company value me. Balls to my company I say – they value me because I earn them money. That's that.
So here I am – sitting here. Writing a convoluted background to possibly nobody (I doubt anyone has read this – still very therapeutic for me though) on the issues I have with working my job. The thing is – I need this job as it pays a great deal of money and I need to work to a) Paying off my debts and b) Saving for skiing instructor's course.
Problem is – I am moving to a more expensive part of London in a few weeks – I've built up lavish tastes.
On the flip side – it is only for 6 months – and those good friends that got me by my last job – are all based in Birimingham – so I have sounded out the possibility of moving up there for a bit in an attempt to save money and also have a laugh. We'll see... it is, after all in 6 months time – and anything can happen in the interim period.
I need to look at the positives of my job:
i)It pays me a lot of money – that I can enjoy. Funds my skiing hobby, football season ticket, going out with friends, eating good / healthy food, gym membership etc etc etc.
ii)I actually do enjoy the work itself
iii)I am paying off my debts quicker with this high paying job
I need these 3 to counterbalance the negatives listed above and I'm set! Now therein lies the challenge.....
Cheers all – hope you're not being too snowed in at the moment!
D
Friday, 1 January 2010
Judge ye not, lest ye be judged
Happy 2010! Hope you celebrated the end of 2009 in fine style and are looking forward to the prospect of a new year.
Frankly, due to reasons discussed on earlier posts here – I am glad to see the back of 2009. I'm not going to dwell on that too much because I don't think it's particularly healthy. I am also looking forward to a new start in 2010 – new opportunities, new pursuits, new friends. Etc etc.
It's almost like making new year resolutions (which I feel is just pointless – because they almost always fall by the wayside anyway) but I do want to start getting into good habits. Keep up my gym sessions, be more sociable, continue my excellent budgetting habits (even though it doesn't save me from being broke at the end of the month, at the moment) and push on with the skiing hobby / pursuit.
Anyway – that's enough of that.
I had a great night last night – went with some friends to the O2 Arena in Greenwich to the Ministry of Sound shindig. Highlight was DeadMau5 and Eric Prydz....
Met some new people as well – Reanna and Jill – lovely Irish girls and a good laugh. One thing surprised me though... Reanna came up to me at the end of the night and looked upset, a little bemused and upon her explaining to me I could understand why:
R: Has your mate James got a problem with me?
Me: I don't think so, why?
R: Well we were talking and he just stopped, gave me a hug and said 'Have a good night' – like that was the end of the conversaion
Me: Odd, what was said beforehand?
R: I honestly don't know – we were bantering and p*sstaking but that was the theme of the night
Me: Very strange....
I then spoke to James and asked what the issue was and he said that she was just doing his head in and there was no specific reason. I felt for Reanna, because she seemed really upset – I'm not sure if she took a bit of shine to James....
I then was talking to James and Dave (another mate) and Dave said Reanna was 'a bit of a drip' and James acknowledged this by saying 'Yeah, no personality, boring'.
Now I chatted and danced with Reanna at random intervals throughout the night and I thought she was a good laugh and that. She seemed a very homely girl and definitely not ugly or personalityless.
I guess to me it says a lot about my mates' ethos when Dave (who is currently in Sydney and lives the single life) says to me and James 'VERY disappointed with Reanna' (i.e. in terms of looks and that) and James nods in agreement.
I think James is in awe of Dave as he seems to be living the good life in Sydney, with all these women on the go and that. James is a funny one, because he's a good-looking chap, bags of personality, style, fashion and trendy – yet is terminally single. He's VERY inexperienced with women and I think his expectations are ridiculously high. I'm not sure why.....
So for me – recently single – and not really a 'player' as such – I am appreciative of female company – and I'm not judgemental – but it's not like Reanna was a troll or anything. She wasn't overly-bitchy, a man-hater, she was definitely a girly girl – she wasn't a stunner – but not ugly. So... I couldn't understand James' and Dave's judgemental stance.
In the sober cold light of day – I was talking to James on Gmail Chat and quipped about not adding Reanna on Facebook – and he was like 'Haha... nah' – I didn't go into the reasons again what the problem was – mainly as I reckon he was holding something back – some issue there – not sure. There may be more there than meets the eye – or, and it's entirely possible, James has deemed Reanna 'not worthy' of his attentions any longer. (He can be a prick like that, unfortunately)
I don't know why I feel the need to mention this on here – I guess because it's incredibly harsh and judgemental on the part of James and Dave towards Reanna – and I expect a little better of both of them – they're long time friends. I guess once your lives take different paths (with Karen and her issues, I became extremely compassionate and undertstanding about certain stuff, whereas before I was an impatient, judgemental idiot – and Dave is a single young buck hopping from bed to bed in Sydney, and I'm sure James is sort of following his lead on that)
Anyway that's my rant for today. Again I hope 2010 is great for you – I am off up to Walsall tomorrow to catch up with some ex-work colleagues and have some drinks and that. Looking forward to it!
Take care guys,
D
Frankly, due to reasons discussed on earlier posts here – I am glad to see the back of 2009. I'm not going to dwell on that too much because I don't think it's particularly healthy. I am also looking forward to a new start in 2010 – new opportunities, new pursuits, new friends. Etc etc.
It's almost like making new year resolutions (which I feel is just pointless – because they almost always fall by the wayside anyway) but I do want to start getting into good habits. Keep up my gym sessions, be more sociable, continue my excellent budgetting habits (even though it doesn't save me from being broke at the end of the month, at the moment) and push on with the skiing hobby / pursuit.
Anyway – that's enough of that.
I had a great night last night – went with some friends to the O2 Arena in Greenwich to the Ministry of Sound shindig. Highlight was DeadMau5 and Eric Prydz....
Met some new people as well – Reanna and Jill – lovely Irish girls and a good laugh. One thing surprised me though... Reanna came up to me at the end of the night and looked upset, a little bemused and upon her explaining to me I could understand why:
R: Has your mate James got a problem with me?
Me: I don't think so, why?
R: Well we were talking and he just stopped, gave me a hug and said 'Have a good night' – like that was the end of the conversaion
Me: Odd, what was said beforehand?
R: I honestly don't know – we were bantering and p*sstaking but that was the theme of the night
Me: Very strange....
I then spoke to James and asked what the issue was and he said that she was just doing his head in and there was no specific reason. I felt for Reanna, because she seemed really upset – I'm not sure if she took a bit of shine to James....
I then was talking to James and Dave (another mate) and Dave said Reanna was 'a bit of a drip' and James acknowledged this by saying 'Yeah, no personality, boring'.
Now I chatted and danced with Reanna at random intervals throughout the night and I thought she was a good laugh and that. She seemed a very homely girl and definitely not ugly or personalityless.
I guess to me it says a lot about my mates' ethos when Dave (who is currently in Sydney and lives the single life) says to me and James 'VERY disappointed with Reanna' (i.e. in terms of looks and that) and James nods in agreement.
I think James is in awe of Dave as he seems to be living the good life in Sydney, with all these women on the go and that. James is a funny one, because he's a good-looking chap, bags of personality, style, fashion and trendy – yet is terminally single. He's VERY inexperienced with women and I think his expectations are ridiculously high. I'm not sure why.....
So for me – recently single – and not really a 'player' as such – I am appreciative of female company – and I'm not judgemental – but it's not like Reanna was a troll or anything. She wasn't overly-bitchy, a man-hater, she was definitely a girly girl – she wasn't a stunner – but not ugly. So... I couldn't understand James' and Dave's judgemental stance.
In the sober cold light of day – I was talking to James on Gmail Chat and quipped about not adding Reanna on Facebook – and he was like 'Haha... nah' – I didn't go into the reasons again what the problem was – mainly as I reckon he was holding something back – some issue there – not sure. There may be more there than meets the eye – or, and it's entirely possible, James has deemed Reanna 'not worthy' of his attentions any longer. (He can be a prick like that, unfortunately)
I don't know why I feel the need to mention this on here – I guess because it's incredibly harsh and judgemental on the part of James and Dave towards Reanna – and I expect a little better of both of them – they're long time friends. I guess once your lives take different paths (with Karen and her issues, I became extremely compassionate and undertstanding about certain stuff, whereas before I was an impatient, judgemental idiot – and Dave is a single young buck hopping from bed to bed in Sydney, and I'm sure James is sort of following his lead on that)
Anyway that's my rant for today. Again I hope 2010 is great for you – I am off up to Walsall tomorrow to catch up with some ex-work colleagues and have some drinks and that. Looking forward to it!
Take care guys,
D
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Bittersweet Symphony
I've been thinking about one of the main drivers for me moving on from my relationship with Karen. Bitterness.
See, to me, bitterness was such a petty emotion and one that I needed to rise above. Therefore I didn't let myself get involved with it – unfortunately, in hindsight, I believe this lead to my undoing in moving on from the events that unfolded in our breakup. (See my previous post for the gory detail). I used to tell friends that Karen had her reasons (which she did) and that everything happens for a reason and that we were both equally culpable.
Now, that's not to say that what I was saying was untrue or wrong – but it wasn't for me and I needed to vent and be angry. Karen had her reasons – but I also think she could have been a little more sensitive, I didn't treat her badly and deserved that. One of the things I neglected to mention is that there was a significant age gap between us – 6 years – and I met her when I was 26 – so it is at the age where the gap tells in a lot of things. Karen also had quite a sheltered lifestyle due to lack of money on her parents' part and also her part (she was screwed over on a loan by an ex). This is one of the things that makes me sad – January 2010 was her last payment on a loan that seriously hampered her disposable income for 5 years – I always sad we were would have an 'End of Loan Party' – and I don't think I can even send her a text / email congratulating her. It's dangerous ground for me, opening that door now – I am my own worst enemy. I need to do the cold thing and completely disconnect. I complained two posts ago about her not contacting me off her own back – maybe she feels the same disappointment towards me. Though that's the difference (would be one of many) between us – I feel vindicated in being hurt / upset / angry with how she conducted herself when we broke up.
So yes, bitterness. I think it was the end of November or beginning of December (the last few months seem such a blur) – I was out with a really good friend – and I just exploded. I swore a lot – calling Karen all the names under the sun – whilst saying she was wrong and bad for what she did. It felt good …. and believe me I know it would be awful to direct that bile directly at her – and I never would. Well I don't think I would. When Karen and I tried and failed to be friends afterwards – I would send her emails properly laying into her – but would still hold back – but she said that I had hurt her terribly. I felt that for both our sakes (my mental health and the fact that no one deserved the abuse I was giving her) that I had to walk away. Terribly sad – but I had no choice. Throughout this whole – there is a mantra that I told her when I had to walk away and that I tell my friends when explaining the situation and that I keep telling myself - 'I thought I was stronger than I was, clearly I wasn't......'
Ugh.... it's painful recounting this. So anyway the explosion of bitterness I've decided to go with – and mostly privately and / or controlled. Because I realise it could get boring quickly with friends and that it may be something that can get out of control if not tempered – i.e. Me = Bitter Bitter Man. It's worked to an extent – it's helped me move on – I just need the time to shed it I think. Because I do believe it can hang around for a bit too long and possibly be transferred onto other women if I'm not careful. (It may already have! Doh....).
Which leads me to a slightly related topic of me hardening as a result of this bitter experience. When I was seeing a therapist (Yes! Can you believe it! Me??? Haha.....) I said to her that I was worried that 'getting stronger' was going to be the same as 'getting harder' – she reassured me that I was aware of it – that it wouldn't happen. My worry is the subconscious mind. Yes I'm aware of it – but the subconscious is so damn powerful that how would I know that it hasn't crept up on me??? I already think my patience with women that show any sort of early signs of flip flopping is nil – i.e. the fear of getting hurt / messed around – I'd rather walk away as soon as possible. This links to my lack of risk-taking in my last post. But on a more hopeful note – I'd like to think that I would persist would something if it was right. The sad thing is – that my only 2nd relationship in my life – Karen persisted with me.... I would like to think if I found someone I liked that I would persist with them. Problem is my lifestyle or the circumstances have not been conducive to this – and now with me wanting to focus on this skiing instructor plan (previous posts) – it won't be for another few years. Groooan... I am destined to end up alone....
Let's see I'm hopeful that something will happen. Ideally, I would find a girl that want to go be a ski instructor with me.
Anyway – it's New Year's Eve people! I'm off to party with some friends tonight.... and thinking a wild night is in the offing.
If you're celebrating – have a great one – if not, then I'll have a drink for you. See you in 2010.
D
See, to me, bitterness was such a petty emotion and one that I needed to rise above. Therefore I didn't let myself get involved with it – unfortunately, in hindsight, I believe this lead to my undoing in moving on from the events that unfolded in our breakup. (See my previous post for the gory detail). I used to tell friends that Karen had her reasons (which she did) and that everything happens for a reason and that we were both equally culpable.
Now, that's not to say that what I was saying was untrue or wrong – but it wasn't for me and I needed to vent and be angry. Karen had her reasons – but I also think she could have been a little more sensitive, I didn't treat her badly and deserved that. One of the things I neglected to mention is that there was a significant age gap between us – 6 years – and I met her when I was 26 – so it is at the age where the gap tells in a lot of things. Karen also had quite a sheltered lifestyle due to lack of money on her parents' part and also her part (she was screwed over on a loan by an ex). This is one of the things that makes me sad – January 2010 was her last payment on a loan that seriously hampered her disposable income for 5 years – I always sad we were would have an 'End of Loan Party' – and I don't think I can even send her a text / email congratulating her. It's dangerous ground for me, opening that door now – I am my own worst enemy. I need to do the cold thing and completely disconnect. I complained two posts ago about her not contacting me off her own back – maybe she feels the same disappointment towards me. Though that's the difference (would be one of many) between us – I feel vindicated in being hurt / upset / angry with how she conducted herself when we broke up.
So yes, bitterness. I think it was the end of November or beginning of December (the last few months seem such a blur) – I was out with a really good friend – and I just exploded. I swore a lot – calling Karen all the names under the sun – whilst saying she was wrong and bad for what she did. It felt good …. and believe me I know it would be awful to direct that bile directly at her – and I never would. Well I don't think I would. When Karen and I tried and failed to be friends afterwards – I would send her emails properly laying into her – but would still hold back – but she said that I had hurt her terribly. I felt that for both our sakes (my mental health and the fact that no one deserved the abuse I was giving her) that I had to walk away. Terribly sad – but I had no choice. Throughout this whole – there is a mantra that I told her when I had to walk away and that I tell my friends when explaining the situation and that I keep telling myself - 'I thought I was stronger than I was, clearly I wasn't......'
Ugh.... it's painful recounting this. So anyway the explosion of bitterness I've decided to go with – and mostly privately and / or controlled. Because I realise it could get boring quickly with friends and that it may be something that can get out of control if not tempered – i.e. Me = Bitter Bitter Man. It's worked to an extent – it's helped me move on – I just need the time to shed it I think. Because I do believe it can hang around for a bit too long and possibly be transferred onto other women if I'm not careful. (It may already have! Doh....).
Which leads me to a slightly related topic of me hardening as a result of this bitter experience. When I was seeing a therapist (Yes! Can you believe it! Me??? Haha.....) I said to her that I was worried that 'getting stronger' was going to be the same as 'getting harder' – she reassured me that I was aware of it – that it wouldn't happen. My worry is the subconscious mind. Yes I'm aware of it – but the subconscious is so damn powerful that how would I know that it hasn't crept up on me??? I already think my patience with women that show any sort of early signs of flip flopping is nil – i.e. the fear of getting hurt / messed around – I'd rather walk away as soon as possible. This links to my lack of risk-taking in my last post. But on a more hopeful note – I'd like to think that I would persist would something if it was right. The sad thing is – that my only 2nd relationship in my life – Karen persisted with me.... I would like to think if I found someone I liked that I would persist with them. Problem is my lifestyle or the circumstances have not been conducive to this – and now with me wanting to focus on this skiing instructor plan (previous posts) – it won't be for another few years. Groooan... I am destined to end up alone....
Let's see I'm hopeful that something will happen. Ideally, I would find a girl that want to go be a ski instructor with me.
Anyway – it's New Year's Eve people! I'm off to party with some friends tonight.... and thinking a wild night is in the offing.
If you're celebrating – have a great one – if not, then I'll have a drink for you. See you in 2010.
D
Hey, nobody's perfect........
I wanted to touch on a theme that I hit on when I was talking about 'getting back in the game' – the dating game, that is.
With me – I've never been a risk taker – never. I only do something if either a) I'm naturally good at it or b) If I've taken every pre-caution under the sun and prepared to the nth degree.
It's something I've become acutely aware of and am desperate to change – however, there are a number of obstacles (mostly mental) that I feel I have to navigate first.
I know what some of you are screaming at the screen. 'So what?' - and that I should love myself for who I am and that. But I think that's been my lifelong problem – I am never satisfied. And I don't mean that in a smug – 'I'm a perfectionist, me' – I mean it in a frustrated, 'Why can't I be happy with my lot' sort of way. I know, probably when I get there – I will probably be ready to settle down and will be truly happy – and that's the key, I guess.
I think as well – it's the whole being recently single thing again. I've not been single in 3 years. I mean yeah, Karen and I had breaks – but they never really counted – because we had each other in the background and both knew we weren't done with each other. This time, we're done (again refer to previous post for why). So I need to adjust to this again and it will take time.
I think in the New Year, I will be probably dabbling in internet dating and seeing how that goes. Have heard two extremes with regards to these – i.e. nightmare dates and people just having a great time dating and 'getting out there' (there's that phrase again)
We'll see – I have a few other priorities (like paying off various debts, getting my snowboarding career on track, moving) but it would be nice to not be like last time after my last relationship and literally be in the wilderness for 3 years. Ugh.
Anyway – if anyone's reading this – have a great time celebrating in 2010 – and that the new year brings with it a new start / positive steps / great opportunities / whatever you've wished for.
Cheers all,
D
With me – I've never been a risk taker – never. I only do something if either a) I'm naturally good at it or b) If I've taken every pre-caution under the sun and prepared to the nth degree.
It's something I've become acutely aware of and am desperate to change – however, there are a number of obstacles (mostly mental) that I feel I have to navigate first.
- Confidence
- Getting out of Karen's (my ex – see last post for reference) frame of mind. I believe that her behaviour (i.e. she was very insecure and had confidence issues, and I believe that rubbed off onto me)
- Vanity
- I'm part Mediterranean. We seem to care a lot about our appearance
- My dad was quite vain. He was after-all fully Mediterranean
- I grew up in a very image-conscious society, abroad. It was a moneyed society and therefore image was all important. My dad was very conscious of this image and did actually force it upon my mum – much to her unhappiness.
- I live in London – again big city, lots of fashions – everyone is all about how they look and the message I send.
I know what some of you are screaming at the screen. 'So what?' - and that I should love myself for who I am and that. But I think that's been my lifelong problem – I am never satisfied. And I don't mean that in a smug – 'I'm a perfectionist, me' – I mean it in a frustrated, 'Why can't I be happy with my lot' sort of way. I know, probably when I get there – I will probably be ready to settle down and will be truly happy – and that's the key, I guess.
I think as well – it's the whole being recently single thing again. I've not been single in 3 years. I mean yeah, Karen and I had breaks – but they never really counted – because we had each other in the background and both knew we weren't done with each other. This time, we're done (again refer to previous post for why). So I need to adjust to this again and it will take time.
I think in the New Year, I will be probably dabbling in internet dating and seeing how that goes. Have heard two extremes with regards to these – i.e. nightmare dates and people just having a great time dating and 'getting out there' (there's that phrase again)
We'll see – I have a few other priorities (like paying off various debts, getting my snowboarding career on track, moving) but it would be nice to not be like last time after my last relationship and literally be in the wilderness for 3 years. Ugh.
Anyway – if anyone's reading this – have a great time celebrating in 2010 – and that the new year brings with it a new start / positive steps / great opportunities / whatever you've wished for.
Cheers all,
D
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
I can't get no sleep......
Hey, did everyone have a good Xmas? Mine was surprisingly good – I had dreaded it, in the run up to making that hour-or-so drive across London to my mum's. Earlier this year, I have had some major fall-outs with my mum and my sister – so that was playing on my mind. Add to that, my mum and her current husband (who have now been together for 7 years) are more or less estranged – so I thought it would be a difficult one this year to say the least.
My differences with my mum stem from my breakdown in relationship with my partner of 3 years, Karen, in August this year. I didn't think my mum was very supportive of our relationship – and was very judgemental of the issues that Karen had (insecurity, coming from an abusive past etc.). She never warmed to Karen.... and it caused a lot of tension between me and my mum and wasn't very nice for Karen either – as my mum is as subtle as a brick through a window when it comes to showing her feelings. So that had overspilled as I was coming to terms with the breakup.
The thing I still struggle with now, more than 4 months on – is what Karen did. For the first time in our on-off relationship – we had ended things amicably – realising that on the third time of asking – we were not working – despite the love and affection we held for each other. I felt like this was so constructive and great foundation to work from to get on with my life – however, Karen started seeing a guy, 5 days later – 5 days after calling time on a 3 year relationship. To add to that – this guy was a person we both met together through a friend of mine. My mate, JD, had his 30th birthday – and I brought Karen along and we went clubbing and this guy, Jack came along. At that time, I had no idea that they would start a relationship a month later.... a friend of my good friend. And to make matters worse – Jack lives down the road from me. I still pass Karen's car on his road as I drive to the gym sometimes.
I have an admission to make. I drive past that road on purpose at times – to see if she's still seeing him – to see if it is just a rebound. And well, 4 months later I still see the car. I know it's petty, I know it's destructive, and I know I should move on. But I have this deep feeling of worthlessness as a result of the whole thing. I don't know why she couldn't wait – I even asked her for a grace period – all I got was a 'He makes me happy'. And what do I get from that? That she was so unhappy with me – that she was grateful to find someone that made her happy – even if it was ridiculously soon after the break up. It devalues the whole relationship. I haven't spoken to Karen in 4 months – I had hoped we could remain friends – I was helping her out doing some fundraising for a trek round the Great Wall of China – I can't even bring myself to ask her how that's going. Resorting to looking at her donation pages and blog (that I set up for her) to foster interest. And yet, she did this – she brought about this situation – how the f*ck was I meant to stay in touch with her while she messed around with this Jack fella. We tried for a few weekends – but I knew she had come from his to hang out with me – I felt awful, rotten inside.
I am moving soon – not far – but far enough away. I need a new start. My flatmate, Tom, has moved away and he was the landlord and is still keeping hold of his room. Whilst it is fantastic to have your own space and live alone – it is lonely. And this place holds so many memories of Karen and I – good and bad. A new start in a new place with new people is hopefully the tonic I need.
I have good days, nay, weeks – but I haven't been sleeping for the last week. I end up staying up until 5am – mindlessly surfing the internet, watching DVDs and doing nothing much – but my mind keeps racing – but with nothing coming to the surface. Imagine my mind as a speedway – where all the vehicles are a blur – and you're desperately trying to make out the detail of them but can't.
So this is why I'm writing all this depressing crap on here – I just need to 'mind-dump'. The grammar may be crap, the flow and spelling may be as well – but I need to try anything to get my head right.
So staying up til 5am and sleeping until 1pm isn't good. I have been off sick for ages. Using Xmas flu as an excuse. The fact is I can't face going to work at the moment. I realised as part of the fallout of my breakup and the fact that voluntary redundancy was offered at my workplace – that I don't really like my industry anymore.
My work sees me travel a lot and stay away during the week so to be close to client offices and do work on-site. I've been doing it since university – for 8 years now. Whilst it was so glamorous and appealing to begin with – the niche I work in is not so glamorous. I like the actual work – it's challenging, different and it pays a fair old whack. But this lifestyle has seen me not being able to form any meaningful relationships, settle anywhere or be able to pursue regular hobbies or pursuits. I realised when the voluntary redundancy came along I wanted out – and I knew what I wanted to do and it was a world away from the corporate mind-sucking drudgery of what I was doing. I was going to train to be a Ski instructor in France – the course was 14 weeks and afterwards I would be able to instruct anywhere in the world. The money from the redundancy was going to pay off my debts, pay for the course, and leave me enough spending money to get by until I start earning from instructing. My flights were covered by all the airline miles I had built up – and the plan was to travel following the 'endless winter' (i.e. Northern Hemisphere to Southern Hemisphere) for several years – until I get bored or find something or someone – there was no end point really – just take it as it comes and I'm sure a plan would flow from there.
So – I didn't get the voluntary redundancy. In this day and age of recession and credit crunch, where people fear for their jobs – I don't get redundancy when I ask for it. Great.
So I'm committed to doing it the long way. i.e. Pay off my debts and save. Problem is with me – a) I like to splurge at times.... and b) My high income has lead me to having expensive taste – so I'm constantly fighting urges and I believe that I will cave eventually. So far my splurges have been a laptop (which I'll need when I travel) and skiing clothing (part of the master plan) – another splurge will be skiing equipment. But my problem is the new place I'm going to is very expensive in terms of rent of bills – but is a part of London I've wanted to live in for a while. That said, the minimum term is 6 months – so if it's not for me – I'll just up and move somewhere cheaper... we'll see how it goes.
I think the insomnia is a culmination of all the above. The fact I haven't been in to work for a fair few weeks, the fact I still think about the the fallout with Karen, the fact that I think I'm ready to start dating again (but am so worried and anxious of dipping my toe back into the water), the fact that a new year is dawning upon me and I want it to be so much better than 2009 – and am anxious that it won't. The fact that I need to stay focussed on the goal. The fact that I am moving on 24th January and it's only a few weeks away.... and I've done nothing. The fact that I'm turning 31.... a birthday without Karen.... Also the fact that Karen didn't even take the initiative to get in touch with me to wish me happy christmas – I told her my reasons for staying away from her – but I didn't say 'Don't get in touch!' - and I know her reasons as well – pride / fear of rejection – she couldn't put herself on the line – because she makes me out to be this terrible person that will cut her down. That's what I had to live with when I was with her – her thinking the very worst of me with no basis at all.
I searched her on Facebook the other day – I saw a picture of her and Jack at the Winter Wonderland – as her profile picture. With hearts in the background and that. It was ridiculous. Last Christmas we went there. So this Christmas she goes with him. The strength of feeling that she used to go on about towards me – I don't think she knew what the hell she was going on about. I feel like I was quickly replaced and it's back to feeling worthless and that the relationship was nothing.
She so easily fell out of contact as well. For me it was so difficult – but for her very easy. God I'm bitter.
I have to focus on the positive – I have a lot to look forward to in 2010. I have a ski trip to France that will tide me over for a bit. I have a number of gigs that I'm going to – catching up with a lot of friends, going to see a friend in Belgium, and moving to a new place with new people.
It's time to get perspective and push on.
Thanks for reading (am not sure anyone actually is – but hey ho...) and have a great 2010.
Til next time....
D
My differences with my mum stem from my breakdown in relationship with my partner of 3 years, Karen, in August this year. I didn't think my mum was very supportive of our relationship – and was very judgemental of the issues that Karen had (insecurity, coming from an abusive past etc.). She never warmed to Karen.... and it caused a lot of tension between me and my mum and wasn't very nice for Karen either – as my mum is as subtle as a brick through a window when it comes to showing her feelings. So that had overspilled as I was coming to terms with the breakup.
The thing I still struggle with now, more than 4 months on – is what Karen did. For the first time in our on-off relationship – we had ended things amicably – realising that on the third time of asking – we were not working – despite the love and affection we held for each other. I felt like this was so constructive and great foundation to work from to get on with my life – however, Karen started seeing a guy, 5 days later – 5 days after calling time on a 3 year relationship. To add to that – this guy was a person we both met together through a friend of mine. My mate, JD, had his 30th birthday – and I brought Karen along and we went clubbing and this guy, Jack came along. At that time, I had no idea that they would start a relationship a month later.... a friend of my good friend. And to make matters worse – Jack lives down the road from me. I still pass Karen's car on his road as I drive to the gym sometimes.
I have an admission to make. I drive past that road on purpose at times – to see if she's still seeing him – to see if it is just a rebound. And well, 4 months later I still see the car. I know it's petty, I know it's destructive, and I know I should move on. But I have this deep feeling of worthlessness as a result of the whole thing. I don't know why she couldn't wait – I even asked her for a grace period – all I got was a 'He makes me happy'. And what do I get from that? That she was so unhappy with me – that she was grateful to find someone that made her happy – even if it was ridiculously soon after the break up. It devalues the whole relationship. I haven't spoken to Karen in 4 months – I had hoped we could remain friends – I was helping her out doing some fundraising for a trek round the Great Wall of China – I can't even bring myself to ask her how that's going. Resorting to looking at her donation pages and blog (that I set up for her) to foster interest. And yet, she did this – she brought about this situation – how the f*ck was I meant to stay in touch with her while she messed around with this Jack fella. We tried for a few weekends – but I knew she had come from his to hang out with me – I felt awful, rotten inside.
I am moving soon – not far – but far enough away. I need a new start. My flatmate, Tom, has moved away and he was the landlord and is still keeping hold of his room. Whilst it is fantastic to have your own space and live alone – it is lonely. And this place holds so many memories of Karen and I – good and bad. A new start in a new place with new people is hopefully the tonic I need.
I have good days, nay, weeks – but I haven't been sleeping for the last week. I end up staying up until 5am – mindlessly surfing the internet, watching DVDs and doing nothing much – but my mind keeps racing – but with nothing coming to the surface. Imagine my mind as a speedway – where all the vehicles are a blur – and you're desperately trying to make out the detail of them but can't.
So this is why I'm writing all this depressing crap on here – I just need to 'mind-dump'. The grammar may be crap, the flow and spelling may be as well – but I need to try anything to get my head right.
So staying up til 5am and sleeping until 1pm isn't good. I have been off sick for ages. Using Xmas flu as an excuse. The fact is I can't face going to work at the moment. I realised as part of the fallout of my breakup and the fact that voluntary redundancy was offered at my workplace – that I don't really like my industry anymore.
My work sees me travel a lot and stay away during the week so to be close to client offices and do work on-site. I've been doing it since university – for 8 years now. Whilst it was so glamorous and appealing to begin with – the niche I work in is not so glamorous. I like the actual work – it's challenging, different and it pays a fair old whack. But this lifestyle has seen me not being able to form any meaningful relationships, settle anywhere or be able to pursue regular hobbies or pursuits. I realised when the voluntary redundancy came along I wanted out – and I knew what I wanted to do and it was a world away from the corporate mind-sucking drudgery of what I was doing. I was going to train to be a Ski instructor in France – the course was 14 weeks and afterwards I would be able to instruct anywhere in the world. The money from the redundancy was going to pay off my debts, pay for the course, and leave me enough spending money to get by until I start earning from instructing. My flights were covered by all the airline miles I had built up – and the plan was to travel following the 'endless winter' (i.e. Northern Hemisphere to Southern Hemisphere) for several years – until I get bored or find something or someone – there was no end point really – just take it as it comes and I'm sure a plan would flow from there.
So – I didn't get the voluntary redundancy. In this day and age of recession and credit crunch, where people fear for their jobs – I don't get redundancy when I ask for it. Great.
So I'm committed to doing it the long way. i.e. Pay off my debts and save. Problem is with me – a) I like to splurge at times.... and b) My high income has lead me to having expensive taste – so I'm constantly fighting urges and I believe that I will cave eventually. So far my splurges have been a laptop (which I'll need when I travel) and skiing clothing (part of the master plan) – another splurge will be skiing equipment. But my problem is the new place I'm going to is very expensive in terms of rent of bills – but is a part of London I've wanted to live in for a while. That said, the minimum term is 6 months – so if it's not for me – I'll just up and move somewhere cheaper... we'll see how it goes.
I think the insomnia is a culmination of all the above. The fact I haven't been in to work for a fair few weeks, the fact I still think about the the fallout with Karen, the fact that I think I'm ready to start dating again (but am so worried and anxious of dipping my toe back into the water), the fact that a new year is dawning upon me and I want it to be so much better than 2009 – and am anxious that it won't. The fact that I need to stay focussed on the goal. The fact that I am moving on 24th January and it's only a few weeks away.... and I've done nothing. The fact that I'm turning 31.... a birthday without Karen.... Also the fact that Karen didn't even take the initiative to get in touch with me to wish me happy christmas – I told her my reasons for staying away from her – but I didn't say 'Don't get in touch!' - and I know her reasons as well – pride / fear of rejection – she couldn't put herself on the line – because she makes me out to be this terrible person that will cut her down. That's what I had to live with when I was with her – her thinking the very worst of me with no basis at all.
I searched her on Facebook the other day – I saw a picture of her and Jack at the Winter Wonderland – as her profile picture. With hearts in the background and that. It was ridiculous. Last Christmas we went there. So this Christmas she goes with him. The strength of feeling that she used to go on about towards me – I don't think she knew what the hell she was going on about. I feel like I was quickly replaced and it's back to feeling worthless and that the relationship was nothing.
She so easily fell out of contact as well. For me it was so difficult – but for her very easy. God I'm bitter.
I have to focus on the positive – I have a lot to look forward to in 2010. I have a ski trip to France that will tide me over for a bit. I have a number of gigs that I'm going to – catching up with a lot of friends, going to see a friend in Belgium, and moving to a new place with new people.
It's time to get perspective and push on.
Thanks for reading (am not sure anyone actually is – but hey ho...) and have a great 2010.
Til next time....
D
Saturday, 19 December 2009
Blog Virgin
Hi all,
So here I am, where to start? I'll admit, I never pegged myself as someone who would be starting a blog. A friend of mine had indirectly convinced me to do this. I say 'indirectly' as he is an old friend who I reconnected with on Facebook and I haven't actually caught up with him in person in about 12 years. However, that's neither here nor there (I have a tendency to tangent, apologies) - he maintains this fantastic blog with a fair degree of humour, wit and self-deprecation whilst managing to use it as an outlet for his frustrations, his thoughts, his hopes, his dreams, his jokes etc. I think to myself it must be very therapeutic - which is why I thought I'd give it a shot.
Whilst I would love to hold a candle to his works of art - I doubt I could. My frame of mind at the moment seems very maudlin. See, I've been through a horrendous relationship breakup recently after 3 years of drama and ups and downs. Looking at it relatively, it could have been a lot worse - we weren't married, living together or had any kids - however the impact on me was pretty large - leading me to question seemingly close friendships, my career path and my lot in life. I think I've subconsciously been using this relationship the last 3 years, as an excuse to not actually look at my own life. I don't want to go into a great deal of detail at the moment - because it's late here and I know when I'm tired and I'm writing emails to friends, I have a tendency to ramble.
Anyway - it's good to start things off and it's good to be here. I am hoping that my posts won't be all heavy, deep and self-analytical - because I'm aware that sort of thing can get boring fast - (even for me talking about it again and again). I want to be able to be my old self again - who wasn't so damn serious and high maintenance. Hopefully this'll help. Ideally it would be nice to make some friends on here as well - don't worry, I'm not the sort of person that'll ask for your home address / phone number within the first 5 minutes of interaction (unless you have a hot profile picture... kidding!) - just would be nice to feel part of a community again - even a 'virtual' one.
Right - it's time for bed (it was actually time a few hours ago, but mind is in overdrive). Lots of points raised here that I will explore in more detail - I hope that a few of you will stick around to hear me out and put me in my place / comment / give me advice / rant back.
Thanks for dropping in,
D
So here I am, where to start? I'll admit, I never pegged myself as someone who would be starting a blog. A friend of mine had indirectly convinced me to do this. I say 'indirectly' as he is an old friend who I reconnected with on Facebook and I haven't actually caught up with him in person in about 12 years. However, that's neither here nor there (I have a tendency to tangent, apologies) - he maintains this fantastic blog with a fair degree of humour, wit and self-deprecation whilst managing to use it as an outlet for his frustrations, his thoughts, his hopes, his dreams, his jokes etc. I think to myself it must be very therapeutic - which is why I thought I'd give it a shot.
Whilst I would love to hold a candle to his works of art - I doubt I could. My frame of mind at the moment seems very maudlin. See, I've been through a horrendous relationship breakup recently after 3 years of drama and ups and downs. Looking at it relatively, it could have been a lot worse - we weren't married, living together or had any kids - however the impact on me was pretty large - leading me to question seemingly close friendships, my career path and my lot in life. I think I've subconsciously been using this relationship the last 3 years, as an excuse to not actually look at my own life. I don't want to go into a great deal of detail at the moment - because it's late here and I know when I'm tired and I'm writing emails to friends, I have a tendency to ramble.
Anyway - it's good to start things off and it's good to be here. I am hoping that my posts won't be all heavy, deep and self-analytical - because I'm aware that sort of thing can get boring fast - (even for me talking about it again and again). I want to be able to be my old self again - who wasn't so damn serious and high maintenance. Hopefully this'll help. Ideally it would be nice to make some friends on here as well - don't worry, I'm not the sort of person that'll ask for your home address / phone number within the first 5 minutes of interaction (unless you have a hot profile picture... kidding!) - just would be nice to feel part of a community again - even a 'virtual' one.
Right - it's time for bed (it was actually time a few hours ago, but mind is in overdrive). Lots of points raised here that I will explore in more detail - I hope that a few of you will stick around to hear me out and put me in my place / comment / give me advice / rant back.
Thanks for dropping in,
D
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