I can't get no sleep......

Hey, did everyone have a good Xmas? Mine was surprisingly good – I had dreaded it, in the run up to making that hour-or-so drive across London to my mum's. Earlier this year, I have had some major fall-outs with my mum and my sister – so that was playing on my mind. Add to that, my mum and her current husband (who have now been together for 7 years) are more or less estranged – so I thought it would be a difficult one this year to say the least.

My differences with my mum stem from my breakdown in relationship with my partner of 3 years, Karen, in August this year. I didn't think my mum was very supportive of our relationship – and was very judgemental of the issues that Karen had (insecurity, coming from an abusive past etc.). She never warmed to Karen.... and it caused a lot of tension between me and my mum and wasn't very nice for Karen either – as my mum is as subtle as a brick through a window when it comes to showing her feelings. So that had overspilled as I was coming to terms with the breakup.

The thing I still struggle with now, more than 4 months on – is what Karen did. For the first time in our on-off relationship – we had ended things amicably – realising that on the third time of asking – we were not working – despite the love and affection we held for each other. I felt like this was so constructive and great foundation to work from to get on with my life – however, Karen started seeing a guy, 5 days later – 5 days after calling time on a 3 year relationship. To add to that – this guy was a person we both met together through a friend of mine. My mate, JD, had his 30th birthday – and I brought Karen along and we went clubbing and this guy, Jack came along. At that time, I had no idea that they would start a relationship a month later.... a friend of my good friend. And to make matters worse – Jack lives down the road from me. I still pass Karen's car on his road as I drive to the gym sometimes.

I have an admission to make. I drive past that road on purpose at times – to see if she's still seeing him – to see if it is just a rebound. And well, 4 months later I still see the car. I know it's petty, I know it's destructive, and I know I should move on. But I have this deep feeling of worthlessness as a result of the whole thing. I don't know why she couldn't wait – I even asked her for a grace period – all I got was a 'He makes me happy'. And what do I get from that? That she was so unhappy with me – that she was grateful to find someone that made her happy – even if it was ridiculously soon after the break up. It devalues the whole relationship. I haven't spoken to Karen in 4 months – I had hoped we could remain friends – I was helping her out doing some fundraising for a trek round the Great Wall of China – I can't even bring myself to ask her how that's going. Resorting to looking at her donation pages and blog (that I set up for her) to foster interest. And yet, she did this – she brought about this situation – how the f*ck was I meant to stay in touch with her while she messed around with this Jack fella. We tried for a few weekends – but I knew she had come from his to hang out with me – I felt awful, rotten inside.

I am moving soon – not far – but far enough away. I need a new start. My flatmate, Tom, has moved away and he was the landlord and is still keeping hold of his room. Whilst it is fantastic to have your own space and live alone – it is lonely. And this place holds so many memories of Karen and I – good and bad. A new start in a new place with new people is hopefully the tonic I need.

I have good days, nay, weeks – but I haven't been sleeping for the last week. I end up staying up until 5am – mindlessly surfing the internet, watching DVDs and doing nothing much – but my mind keeps racing – but with nothing coming to the surface. Imagine my mind as a speedway – where all the vehicles are a blur – and you're desperately trying to make out the detail of them but can't.

So this is why I'm writing all this depressing crap on here – I just need to 'mind-dump'. The grammar may be crap, the flow and spelling may be as well – but I need to try anything to get my head right.

So staying up til 5am and sleeping until 1pm isn't good. I have been off sick for ages. Using Xmas flu as an excuse. The fact is I can't face going to work at the moment. I realised as part of the fallout of my breakup and the fact that voluntary redundancy was offered at my workplace – that I don't really like my industry anymore.

My work sees me travel a lot and stay away during the week so to be close to client offices and do work on-site. I've been doing it since university – for 8 years now. Whilst it was so glamorous and appealing to begin with – the niche I work in is not so glamorous. I like the actual work – it's challenging, different and it pays a fair old whack. But this lifestyle has seen me not being able to form any meaningful relationships, settle anywhere or be able to pursue regular hobbies or pursuits. I realised when the voluntary redundancy came along I wanted out – and I knew what I wanted to do and it was a world away from the corporate mind-sucking drudgery of what I was doing. I was going to train to be a Ski instructor in France – the course was 14 weeks and afterwards I would be able to instruct anywhere in the world. The money from the redundancy was going to pay off my debts, pay for the course, and leave me enough spending money to get by until I start earning from instructing. My flights were covered by all the airline miles I had built up – and the plan was to travel following the 'endless winter' (i.e. Northern Hemisphere to Southern Hemisphere) for several years – until I get bored or find something or someone – there was no end point really – just take it as it comes and I'm sure a plan would flow from there.

So – I didn't get the voluntary redundancy. In this day and age of recession and credit crunch, where people fear for their jobs – I don't get redundancy when I ask for it. Great.

So I'm committed to doing it the long way. i.e. Pay off my debts and save. Problem is with me – a) I like to splurge at times.... and b) My high income has lead me to having expensive taste – so I'm constantly fighting urges and I believe that I will cave eventually. So far my splurges have been a laptop (which I'll need when I travel) and skiing clothing (part of the master plan) – another splurge will be skiing equipment. But my problem is the new place I'm going to is very expensive in terms of rent of bills – but is a part of London I've wanted to live in for a while. That said, the minimum term is 6 months – so if it's not for me – I'll just up and move somewhere cheaper... we'll see how it goes.

I think the insomnia is a culmination of all the above. The fact I haven't been in to work for a fair few weeks, the fact I still think about the the fallout with Karen, the fact that I think I'm ready to start dating again (but am so worried and anxious of dipping my toe back into the water), the fact that a new year is dawning upon me and I want it to be so much better than 2009 – and am anxious that it won't. The fact that I need to stay focussed on the goal. The fact that I am moving on 24th January and it's only a few weeks away.... and I've done nothing. The fact that I'm turning 31.... a birthday without Karen.... Also the fact that Karen didn't even take the initiative to get in touch with me to wish me happy christmas – I told her my reasons for staying away from her – but I didn't say 'Don't get in touch!' - and I know her reasons as well – pride / fear of rejection – she couldn't put herself on the line – because she makes me out to be this terrible person that will cut her down. That's what I had to live with when I was with her – her thinking the very worst of me with no basis at all.

I searched her on Facebook the other day – I saw a picture of her and Jack at the Winter Wonderland – as her profile picture. With hearts in the background and that. It was ridiculous. Last Christmas we went there. So this Christmas she goes with him. The strength of feeling that she used to go on about towards me – I don't think she knew what the hell she was going on about. I feel like I was quickly replaced and it's back to feeling worthless and that the relationship was nothing.

She so easily fell out of contact as well. For me it was so difficult – but for her very easy. God I'm bitter.

I have to focus on the positive – I have a lot to look forward to in 2010. I have a ski trip to France that will tide me over for a bit. I have a number of gigs that I'm going to – catching up with a lot of friends, going to see a friend in Belgium, and moving to a new place with new people.

It's time to get perspective and push on.

Thanks for reading (am not sure anyone actually is – but hey ho...) and have a great 2010.

Til next time....

D