Bittersweet Symphony

I've been thinking about one of the main drivers for me moving on from my relationship with Karen. Bitterness.

See, to me, bitterness was such a petty emotion and one that I needed to rise above. Therefore I didn't let myself get involved with it – unfortunately, in hindsight, I believe this lead to my undoing in moving on from the events that unfolded in our breakup. (See my previous post for the gory detail). I used to tell friends that Karen had her reasons (which she did) and that everything happens for a reason and that we were both equally culpable.

Now, that's not to say that what I was saying was untrue or wrong – but it wasn't for me and I needed to vent and be angry. Karen had her reasons – but I also think she could have been a little more sensitive, I didn't treat her badly and deserved that. One of the things I neglected to mention is that there was a significant age gap between us – 6 years – and I met her when I was 26 – so it is at the age where the gap tells in a lot of things. Karen also had quite a sheltered lifestyle due to lack of money on her parents' part and also her part (she was screwed over on a loan by an ex). This is one of the things that makes me sad – January 2010 was her last payment on a loan that seriously hampered her disposable income for 5 years – I always sad we were would have an 'End of Loan Party' – and I don't think I can even send her a text / email congratulating her. It's dangerous ground for me, opening that door now – I am my own worst enemy. I need to do the cold thing and completely disconnect. I complained two posts ago about her not contacting me off her own back – maybe she feels the same disappointment towards me. Though that's the difference (would be one of many) between us – I feel vindicated in being hurt / upset / angry with how she conducted herself when we broke up.

So yes, bitterness. I think it was the end of November or beginning of December (the last few months seem such a blur) – I was out with a really good friend – and I just exploded. I swore a lot – calling Karen all the names under the sun – whilst saying she was wrong and bad for what she did. It felt good …. and believe me I know it would be awful to direct that bile directly at her – and I never would. Well I don't think I would. When Karen and I tried and failed to be friends afterwards – I would send her emails properly laying into her – but would still hold back – but she said that I had hurt her terribly. I felt that for both our sakes (my mental health and the fact that no one deserved the abuse I was giving her) that I had to walk away. Terribly sad – but I had no choice. Throughout this whole – there is a mantra that I told her when I had to walk away and that I tell my friends when explaining the situation and that I keep telling myself - 'I thought I was stronger than I was, clearly I wasn't......'

Ugh.... it's painful recounting this.  So anyway the explosion of bitterness I've decided to go with – and mostly privately and / or controlled. Because I realise it could get boring quickly with friends and that it may be something that can get out of control if not tempered – i.e. Me = Bitter Bitter Man.  It's worked to an extent – it's helped me move on – I just need the time to shed it I think. Because I do believe it can hang around for a bit too long and possibly be transferred onto other women if I'm not careful. (It may already have! Doh....).

Which leads me to a slightly related topic of me hardening as a result of this bitter experience. When I was seeing a therapist (Yes! Can you believe it! Me??? Haha.....) I said to her that I was worried that 'getting stronger' was going to be the same as 'getting harder' – she reassured me that I was aware of it – that it wouldn't happen. My worry is the subconscious mind. Yes I'm aware of it – but the subconscious is so damn powerful that how would I know that it hasn't crept up on me??? I already think my patience with women that show any sort of early signs of flip flopping is nil – i.e. the fear of getting hurt / messed around – I'd rather walk away as soon as possible. This links to my lack of risk-taking in my last post. But on a more hopeful note – I'd like to think that I would persist would something if it was right. The sad thing is – that my only 2nd relationship in my life – Karen persisted with me.... I would like to think if I found someone I liked that I would persist with them. Problem is my lifestyle or the circumstances have not been conducive to this – and now with me wanting to focus on this skiing instructor plan (previous posts) – it won't be for another few years. Groooan... I am destined to end up alone....

Let's see I'm hopeful that something will happen. Ideally, I would find a girl that want to go be a ski instructor with me.

Anyway – it's New Year's Eve people! I'm off to party with some friends tonight.... and thinking a wild night is in the offing.

If you're celebrating – have a great one – if not, then I'll have a drink for you. See you in 2010.

D