Hey, nobody's perfect........

I wanted to touch on a theme that I hit on when I was talking about 'getting back in the game' – the dating game, that is.

With me – I've never been a risk taker – never. I only do something if either a) I'm naturally good at it or b) If I've taken every pre-caution under the sun and prepared to the nth degree.

It's something I've become acutely aware of and am desperate to change – however, there are a number of obstacles (mostly mental) that I feel I have to navigate first.

1. Confidence
2. Getting out of Karen's (my ex – see last post for reference) frame of mind. I believe that her behaviour (i.e. she was very insecure and had confidence issues, and I believe that rubbed off onto me)
3. Vanity
   

The third point I want to explore a bit further, the vanity has been with me forever. I'm not sure why – it may be a number of things.

1. I'm part Mediterranean. We seem to care a lot about our appearance
2. My dad was quite vain. He was after-all fully Mediterranean
3. I grew up in a very image-conscious society, abroad. It was a moneyed society and therefore image was all important. My dad was very conscious of this image and did actually force it upon my mum – much to her unhappiness.
4. I live in London – again big city, lots of fashions – everyone is all about how they look and the message I send.
   

See I am a nightmare as well – because I am balding (I shave now as there is no other way to pull it off with grace), am quite hairy in other places (damn Med roots) and quite short. I also have a tendency to sweat a bit too much when it's least convenient. Sigh.

I know what some of you are screaming at the screen. 'So what?' - and that I should love myself for who I am and that. But I think that's been my lifelong problem – I am never satisfied. And I don't mean that in a smug – 'I'm a perfectionist, me' – I mean it in a frustrated, 'Why can't I be happy with my lot' sort of way. I know, probably when I get there – I will probably be ready to settle down and will be truly happy – and that's the key, I guess.

I think as well – it's the whole being recently single thing again. I've not been single in 3 years. I mean yeah, Karen and I had breaks – but they never really counted – because we had each other in the background and both knew we weren't done with each other. This time, we're done (again refer to previous post for why). So I need to adjust to this again and it will take time.

I think in the New Year, I will be probably dabbling in internet dating and seeing how that goes. Have heard two extremes with regards to these – i.e. nightmare dates and people just having a great time dating and 'getting out there' (there's that phrase again)

We'll see – I have a few other priorities (like paying off various debts, getting my snowboarding career on track, moving) but it would be nice to not be like last time after my last relationship and literally be in the wilderness for 3 years. Ugh.

Anyway – if anyone's reading this – have a great time celebrating in 2010 – and that the new year brings with it a new start / positive steps / great opportunities / whatever you've wished for.

Cheers all,

D