I've been thinking about one of the main drivers for me moving on from my relationship with Karen. Bitterness.
See, to me, bitterness was such a petty emotion and one that I needed to rise above. Therefore I didn't let myself get involved with it – unfortunately, in hindsight, I believe this lead to my undoing in moving on from the events that unfolded in our breakup. (See my previous post for the gory detail). I used to tell friends that Karen had her reasons (which she did) and that everything happens for a reason and that we were both equally culpable.
Now, that's not to say that what I was saying was untrue or wrong – but it wasn't for me and I needed to vent and be angry. Karen had her reasons – but I also think she could have been a little more sensitive, I didn't treat her badly and deserved that. One of the things I neglected to mention is that there was a significant age gap between us – 6 years – and I met her when I was 26 – so it is at the age where the gap tells in a lot of things. Karen also had quite a sheltered lifestyle due to lack of money on her parents' part and also her part (she was screwed over on a loan by an ex). This is one of the things that makes me sad – January 2010 was her last payment on a loan that seriously hampered her disposable income for 5 years – I always sad we were would have an 'End of Loan Party' – and I don't think I can even send her a text / email congratulating her. It's dangerous ground for me, opening that door now – I am my own worst enemy. I need to do the cold thing and completely disconnect. I complained two posts ago about her not contacting me off her own back – maybe she feels the same disappointment towards me. Though that's the difference (would be one of many) between us – I feel vindicated in being hurt / upset / angry with how she conducted herself when we broke up.
So yes, bitterness. I think it was the end of November or beginning of December (the last few months seem such a blur) – I was out with a really good friend – and I just exploded. I swore a lot – calling Karen all the names under the sun – whilst saying she was wrong and bad for what she did. It felt good …. and believe me I know it would be awful to direct that bile directly at her – and I never would. Well I don't think I would. When Karen and I tried and failed to be friends afterwards – I would send her emails properly laying into her – but would still hold back – but she said that I had hurt her terribly. I felt that for both our sakes (my mental health and the fact that no one deserved the abuse I was giving her) that I had to walk away. Terribly sad – but I had no choice. Throughout this whole – there is a mantra that I told her when I had to walk away and that I tell my friends when explaining the situation and that I keep telling myself - 'I thought I was stronger than I was, clearly I wasn't......'
Ugh.... it's painful recounting this. So anyway the explosion of bitterness I've decided to go with – and mostly privately and / or controlled. Because I realise it could get boring quickly with friends and that it may be something that can get out of control if not tempered – i.e. Me = Bitter Bitter Man. It's worked to an extent – it's helped me move on – I just need the time to shed it I think. Because I do believe it can hang around for a bit too long and possibly be transferred onto other women if I'm not careful. (It may already have! Doh....).
Which leads me to a slightly related topic of me hardening as a result of this bitter experience. When I was seeing a therapist (Yes! Can you believe it! Me??? Haha.....) I said to her that I was worried that 'getting stronger' was going to be the same as 'getting harder' – she reassured me that I was aware of it – that it wouldn't happen. My worry is the subconscious mind. Yes I'm aware of it – but the subconscious is so damn powerful that how would I know that it hasn't crept up on me??? I already think my patience with women that show any sort of early signs of flip flopping is nil – i.e. the fear of getting hurt / messed around – I'd rather walk away as soon as possible. This links to my lack of risk-taking in my last post. But on a more hopeful note – I'd like to think that I would persist would something if it was right. The sad thing is – that my only 2nd relationship in my life – Karen persisted with me.... I would like to think if I found someone I liked that I would persist with them. Problem is my lifestyle or the circumstances have not been conducive to this – and now with me wanting to focus on this skiing instructor plan (previous posts) – it won't be for another few years. Groooan... I am destined to end up alone....
Let's see I'm hopeful that something will happen. Ideally, I would find a girl that want to go be a ski instructor with me.
Anyway – it's New Year's Eve people! I'm off to party with some friends tonight.... and thinking a wild night is in the offing.
If you're celebrating – have a great one – if not, then I'll have a drink for you. See you in 2010.
D
Thursday, 31 December 2009
Hey, nobody's perfect........
I wanted to touch on a theme that I hit on when I was talking about 'getting back in the game' – the dating game, that is.
With me – I've never been a risk taker – never. I only do something if either a) I'm naturally good at it or b) If I've taken every pre-caution under the sun and prepared to the nth degree.
It's something I've become acutely aware of and am desperate to change – however, there are a number of obstacles (mostly mental) that I feel I have to navigate first.
I know what some of you are screaming at the screen. 'So what?' - and that I should love myself for who I am and that. But I think that's been my lifelong problem – I am never satisfied. And I don't mean that in a smug – 'I'm a perfectionist, me' – I mean it in a frustrated, 'Why can't I be happy with my lot' sort of way. I know, probably when I get there – I will probably be ready to settle down and will be truly happy – and that's the key, I guess.
I think as well – it's the whole being recently single thing again. I've not been single in 3 years. I mean yeah, Karen and I had breaks – but they never really counted – because we had each other in the background and both knew we weren't done with each other. This time, we're done (again refer to previous post for why). So I need to adjust to this again and it will take time.
I think in the New Year, I will be probably dabbling in internet dating and seeing how that goes. Have heard two extremes with regards to these – i.e. nightmare dates and people just having a great time dating and 'getting out there' (there's that phrase again)
We'll see – I have a few other priorities (like paying off various debts, getting my snowboarding career on track, moving) but it would be nice to not be like last time after my last relationship and literally be in the wilderness for 3 years. Ugh.
Anyway – if anyone's reading this – have a great time celebrating in 2010 – and that the new year brings with it a new start / positive steps / great opportunities / whatever you've wished for.
Cheers all,
D
With me – I've never been a risk taker – never. I only do something if either a) I'm naturally good at it or b) If I've taken every pre-caution under the sun and prepared to the nth degree.
It's something I've become acutely aware of and am desperate to change – however, there are a number of obstacles (mostly mental) that I feel I have to navigate first.
- Confidence
- Getting out of Karen's (my ex – see last post for reference) frame of mind. I believe that her behaviour (i.e. she was very insecure and had confidence issues, and I believe that rubbed off onto me)
- Vanity
- I'm part Mediterranean. We seem to care a lot about our appearance
- My dad was quite vain. He was after-all fully Mediterranean
- I grew up in a very image-conscious society, abroad. It was a moneyed society and therefore image was all important. My dad was very conscious of this image and did actually force it upon my mum – much to her unhappiness.
- I live in London – again big city, lots of fashions – everyone is all about how they look and the message I send.
I know what some of you are screaming at the screen. 'So what?' - and that I should love myself for who I am and that. But I think that's been my lifelong problem – I am never satisfied. And I don't mean that in a smug – 'I'm a perfectionist, me' – I mean it in a frustrated, 'Why can't I be happy with my lot' sort of way. I know, probably when I get there – I will probably be ready to settle down and will be truly happy – and that's the key, I guess.
I think as well – it's the whole being recently single thing again. I've not been single in 3 years. I mean yeah, Karen and I had breaks – but they never really counted – because we had each other in the background and both knew we weren't done with each other. This time, we're done (again refer to previous post for why). So I need to adjust to this again and it will take time.
I think in the New Year, I will be probably dabbling in internet dating and seeing how that goes. Have heard two extremes with regards to these – i.e. nightmare dates and people just having a great time dating and 'getting out there' (there's that phrase again)
We'll see – I have a few other priorities (like paying off various debts, getting my snowboarding career on track, moving) but it would be nice to not be like last time after my last relationship and literally be in the wilderness for 3 years. Ugh.
Anyway – if anyone's reading this – have a great time celebrating in 2010 – and that the new year brings with it a new start / positive steps / great opportunities / whatever you've wished for.
Cheers all,
D
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
I can't get no sleep......
Hey, did everyone have a good Xmas? Mine was surprisingly good – I had dreaded it, in the run up to making that hour-or-so drive across London to my mum's. Earlier this year, I have had some major fall-outs with my mum and my sister – so that was playing on my mind. Add to that, my mum and her current husband (who have now been together for 7 years) are more or less estranged – so I thought it would be a difficult one this year to say the least.
My differences with my mum stem from my breakdown in relationship with my partner of 3 years, Karen, in August this year. I didn't think my mum was very supportive of our relationship – and was very judgemental of the issues that Karen had (insecurity, coming from an abusive past etc.). She never warmed to Karen.... and it caused a lot of tension between me and my mum and wasn't very nice for Karen either – as my mum is as subtle as a brick through a window when it comes to showing her feelings. So that had overspilled as I was coming to terms with the breakup.
The thing I still struggle with now, more than 4 months on – is what Karen did. For the first time in our on-off relationship – we had ended things amicably – realising that on the third time of asking – we were not working – despite the love and affection we held for each other. I felt like this was so constructive and great foundation to work from to get on with my life – however, Karen started seeing a guy, 5 days later – 5 days after calling time on a 3 year relationship. To add to that – this guy was a person we both met together through a friend of mine. My mate, JD, had his 30th birthday – and I brought Karen along and we went clubbing and this guy, Jack came along. At that time, I had no idea that they would start a relationship a month later.... a friend of my good friend. And to make matters worse – Jack lives down the road from me. I still pass Karen's car on his road as I drive to the gym sometimes.
I have an admission to make. I drive past that road on purpose at times – to see if she's still seeing him – to see if it is just a rebound. And well, 4 months later I still see the car. I know it's petty, I know it's destructive, and I know I should move on. But I have this deep feeling of worthlessness as a result of the whole thing. I don't know why she couldn't wait – I even asked her for a grace period – all I got was a 'He makes me happy'. And what do I get from that? That she was so unhappy with me – that she was grateful to find someone that made her happy – even if it was ridiculously soon after the break up. It devalues the whole relationship. I haven't spoken to Karen in 4 months – I had hoped we could remain friends – I was helping her out doing some fundraising for a trek round the Great Wall of China – I can't even bring myself to ask her how that's going. Resorting to looking at her donation pages and blog (that I set up for her) to foster interest. And yet, she did this – she brought about this situation – how the f*ck was I meant to stay in touch with her while she messed around with this Jack fella. We tried for a few weekends – but I knew she had come from his to hang out with me – I felt awful, rotten inside.
I am moving soon – not far – but far enough away. I need a new start. My flatmate, Tom, has moved away and he was the landlord and is still keeping hold of his room. Whilst it is fantastic to have your own space and live alone – it is lonely. And this place holds so many memories of Karen and I – good and bad. A new start in a new place with new people is hopefully the tonic I need.
I have good days, nay, weeks – but I haven't been sleeping for the last week. I end up staying up until 5am – mindlessly surfing the internet, watching DVDs and doing nothing much – but my mind keeps racing – but with nothing coming to the surface. Imagine my mind as a speedway – where all the vehicles are a blur – and you're desperately trying to make out the detail of them but can't.
So this is why I'm writing all this depressing crap on here – I just need to 'mind-dump'. The grammar may be crap, the flow and spelling may be as well – but I need to try anything to get my head right.
So staying up til 5am and sleeping until 1pm isn't good. I have been off sick for ages. Using Xmas flu as an excuse. The fact is I can't face going to work at the moment. I realised as part of the fallout of my breakup and the fact that voluntary redundancy was offered at my workplace – that I don't really like my industry anymore.
My work sees me travel a lot and stay away during the week so to be close to client offices and do work on-site. I've been doing it since university – for 8 years now. Whilst it was so glamorous and appealing to begin with – the niche I work in is not so glamorous. I like the actual work – it's challenging, different and it pays a fair old whack. But this lifestyle has seen me not being able to form any meaningful relationships, settle anywhere or be able to pursue regular hobbies or pursuits. I realised when the voluntary redundancy came along I wanted out – and I knew what I wanted to do and it was a world away from the corporate mind-sucking drudgery of what I was doing. I was going to train to be a Ski instructor in France – the course was 14 weeks and afterwards I would be able to instruct anywhere in the world. The money from the redundancy was going to pay off my debts, pay for the course, and leave me enough spending money to get by until I start earning from instructing. My flights were covered by all the airline miles I had built up – and the plan was to travel following the 'endless winter' (i.e. Northern Hemisphere to Southern Hemisphere) for several years – until I get bored or find something or someone – there was no end point really – just take it as it comes and I'm sure a plan would flow from there.
So – I didn't get the voluntary redundancy. In this day and age of recession and credit crunch, where people fear for their jobs – I don't get redundancy when I ask for it. Great.
So I'm committed to doing it the long way. i.e. Pay off my debts and save. Problem is with me – a) I like to splurge at times.... and b) My high income has lead me to having expensive taste – so I'm constantly fighting urges and I believe that I will cave eventually. So far my splurges have been a laptop (which I'll need when I travel) and skiing clothing (part of the master plan) – another splurge will be skiing equipment. But my problem is the new place I'm going to is very expensive in terms of rent of bills – but is a part of London I've wanted to live in for a while. That said, the minimum term is 6 months – so if it's not for me – I'll just up and move somewhere cheaper... we'll see how it goes.
I think the insomnia is a culmination of all the above. The fact I haven't been in to work for a fair few weeks, the fact I still think about the the fallout with Karen, the fact that I think I'm ready to start dating again (but am so worried and anxious of dipping my toe back into the water), the fact that a new year is dawning upon me and I want it to be so much better than 2009 – and am anxious that it won't. The fact that I need to stay focussed on the goal. The fact that I am moving on 24th January and it's only a few weeks away.... and I've done nothing. The fact that I'm turning 31.... a birthday without Karen.... Also the fact that Karen didn't even take the initiative to get in touch with me to wish me happy christmas – I told her my reasons for staying away from her – but I didn't say 'Don't get in touch!' - and I know her reasons as well – pride / fear of rejection – she couldn't put herself on the line – because she makes me out to be this terrible person that will cut her down. That's what I had to live with when I was with her – her thinking the very worst of me with no basis at all.
I searched her on Facebook the other day – I saw a picture of her and Jack at the Winter Wonderland – as her profile picture. With hearts in the background and that. It was ridiculous. Last Christmas we went there. So this Christmas she goes with him. The strength of feeling that she used to go on about towards me – I don't think she knew what the hell she was going on about. I feel like I was quickly replaced and it's back to feeling worthless and that the relationship was nothing.
She so easily fell out of contact as well. For me it was so difficult – but for her very easy. God I'm bitter.
I have to focus on the positive – I have a lot to look forward to in 2010. I have a ski trip to France that will tide me over for a bit. I have a number of gigs that I'm going to – catching up with a lot of friends, going to see a friend in Belgium, and moving to a new place with new people.
It's time to get perspective and push on.
Thanks for reading (am not sure anyone actually is – but hey ho...) and have a great 2010.
Til next time....
D
My differences with my mum stem from my breakdown in relationship with my partner of 3 years, Karen, in August this year. I didn't think my mum was very supportive of our relationship – and was very judgemental of the issues that Karen had (insecurity, coming from an abusive past etc.). She never warmed to Karen.... and it caused a lot of tension between me and my mum and wasn't very nice for Karen either – as my mum is as subtle as a brick through a window when it comes to showing her feelings. So that had overspilled as I was coming to terms with the breakup.
The thing I still struggle with now, more than 4 months on – is what Karen did. For the first time in our on-off relationship – we had ended things amicably – realising that on the third time of asking – we were not working – despite the love and affection we held for each other. I felt like this was so constructive and great foundation to work from to get on with my life – however, Karen started seeing a guy, 5 days later – 5 days after calling time on a 3 year relationship. To add to that – this guy was a person we both met together through a friend of mine. My mate, JD, had his 30th birthday – and I brought Karen along and we went clubbing and this guy, Jack came along. At that time, I had no idea that they would start a relationship a month later.... a friend of my good friend. And to make matters worse – Jack lives down the road from me. I still pass Karen's car on his road as I drive to the gym sometimes.
I have an admission to make. I drive past that road on purpose at times – to see if she's still seeing him – to see if it is just a rebound. And well, 4 months later I still see the car. I know it's petty, I know it's destructive, and I know I should move on. But I have this deep feeling of worthlessness as a result of the whole thing. I don't know why she couldn't wait – I even asked her for a grace period – all I got was a 'He makes me happy'. And what do I get from that? That she was so unhappy with me – that she was grateful to find someone that made her happy – even if it was ridiculously soon after the break up. It devalues the whole relationship. I haven't spoken to Karen in 4 months – I had hoped we could remain friends – I was helping her out doing some fundraising for a trek round the Great Wall of China – I can't even bring myself to ask her how that's going. Resorting to looking at her donation pages and blog (that I set up for her) to foster interest. And yet, she did this – she brought about this situation – how the f*ck was I meant to stay in touch with her while she messed around with this Jack fella. We tried for a few weekends – but I knew she had come from his to hang out with me – I felt awful, rotten inside.
I am moving soon – not far – but far enough away. I need a new start. My flatmate, Tom, has moved away and he was the landlord and is still keeping hold of his room. Whilst it is fantastic to have your own space and live alone – it is lonely. And this place holds so many memories of Karen and I – good and bad. A new start in a new place with new people is hopefully the tonic I need.
I have good days, nay, weeks – but I haven't been sleeping for the last week. I end up staying up until 5am – mindlessly surfing the internet, watching DVDs and doing nothing much – but my mind keeps racing – but with nothing coming to the surface. Imagine my mind as a speedway – where all the vehicles are a blur – and you're desperately trying to make out the detail of them but can't.
So this is why I'm writing all this depressing crap on here – I just need to 'mind-dump'. The grammar may be crap, the flow and spelling may be as well – but I need to try anything to get my head right.
So staying up til 5am and sleeping until 1pm isn't good. I have been off sick for ages. Using Xmas flu as an excuse. The fact is I can't face going to work at the moment. I realised as part of the fallout of my breakup and the fact that voluntary redundancy was offered at my workplace – that I don't really like my industry anymore.
My work sees me travel a lot and stay away during the week so to be close to client offices and do work on-site. I've been doing it since university – for 8 years now. Whilst it was so glamorous and appealing to begin with – the niche I work in is not so glamorous. I like the actual work – it's challenging, different and it pays a fair old whack. But this lifestyle has seen me not being able to form any meaningful relationships, settle anywhere or be able to pursue regular hobbies or pursuits. I realised when the voluntary redundancy came along I wanted out – and I knew what I wanted to do and it was a world away from the corporate mind-sucking drudgery of what I was doing. I was going to train to be a Ski instructor in France – the course was 14 weeks and afterwards I would be able to instruct anywhere in the world. The money from the redundancy was going to pay off my debts, pay for the course, and leave me enough spending money to get by until I start earning from instructing. My flights were covered by all the airline miles I had built up – and the plan was to travel following the 'endless winter' (i.e. Northern Hemisphere to Southern Hemisphere) for several years – until I get bored or find something or someone – there was no end point really – just take it as it comes and I'm sure a plan would flow from there.
So – I didn't get the voluntary redundancy. In this day and age of recession and credit crunch, where people fear for their jobs – I don't get redundancy when I ask for it. Great.
So I'm committed to doing it the long way. i.e. Pay off my debts and save. Problem is with me – a) I like to splurge at times.... and b) My high income has lead me to having expensive taste – so I'm constantly fighting urges and I believe that I will cave eventually. So far my splurges have been a laptop (which I'll need when I travel) and skiing clothing (part of the master plan) – another splurge will be skiing equipment. But my problem is the new place I'm going to is very expensive in terms of rent of bills – but is a part of London I've wanted to live in for a while. That said, the minimum term is 6 months – so if it's not for me – I'll just up and move somewhere cheaper... we'll see how it goes.
I think the insomnia is a culmination of all the above. The fact I haven't been in to work for a fair few weeks, the fact I still think about the the fallout with Karen, the fact that I think I'm ready to start dating again (but am so worried and anxious of dipping my toe back into the water), the fact that a new year is dawning upon me and I want it to be so much better than 2009 – and am anxious that it won't. The fact that I need to stay focussed on the goal. The fact that I am moving on 24th January and it's only a few weeks away.... and I've done nothing. The fact that I'm turning 31.... a birthday without Karen.... Also the fact that Karen didn't even take the initiative to get in touch with me to wish me happy christmas – I told her my reasons for staying away from her – but I didn't say 'Don't get in touch!' - and I know her reasons as well – pride / fear of rejection – she couldn't put herself on the line – because she makes me out to be this terrible person that will cut her down. That's what I had to live with when I was with her – her thinking the very worst of me with no basis at all.
I searched her on Facebook the other day – I saw a picture of her and Jack at the Winter Wonderland – as her profile picture. With hearts in the background and that. It was ridiculous. Last Christmas we went there. So this Christmas she goes with him. The strength of feeling that she used to go on about towards me – I don't think she knew what the hell she was going on about. I feel like I was quickly replaced and it's back to feeling worthless and that the relationship was nothing.
She so easily fell out of contact as well. For me it was so difficult – but for her very easy. God I'm bitter.
I have to focus on the positive – I have a lot to look forward to in 2010. I have a ski trip to France that will tide me over for a bit. I have a number of gigs that I'm going to – catching up with a lot of friends, going to see a friend in Belgium, and moving to a new place with new people.
It's time to get perspective and push on.
Thanks for reading (am not sure anyone actually is – but hey ho...) and have a great 2010.
Til next time....
D
Saturday, 19 December 2009
Blog Virgin
Hi all,
So here I am, where to start? I'll admit, I never pegged myself as someone who would be starting a blog. A friend of mine had indirectly convinced me to do this. I say 'indirectly' as he is an old friend who I reconnected with on Facebook and I haven't actually caught up with him in person in about 12 years. However, that's neither here nor there (I have a tendency to tangent, apologies) - he maintains this fantastic blog with a fair degree of humour, wit and self-deprecation whilst managing to use it as an outlet for his frustrations, his thoughts, his hopes, his dreams, his jokes etc. I think to myself it must be very therapeutic - which is why I thought I'd give it a shot.
Whilst I would love to hold a candle to his works of art - I doubt I could. My frame of mind at the moment seems very maudlin. See, I've been through a horrendous relationship breakup recently after 3 years of drama and ups and downs. Looking at it relatively, it could have been a lot worse - we weren't married, living together or had any kids - however the impact on me was pretty large - leading me to question seemingly close friendships, my career path and my lot in life. I think I've subconsciously been using this relationship the last 3 years, as an excuse to not actually look at my own life. I don't want to go into a great deal of detail at the moment - because it's late here and I know when I'm tired and I'm writing emails to friends, I have a tendency to ramble.
Anyway - it's good to start things off and it's good to be here. I am hoping that my posts won't be all heavy, deep and self-analytical - because I'm aware that sort of thing can get boring fast - (even for me talking about it again and again). I want to be able to be my old self again - who wasn't so damn serious and high maintenance. Hopefully this'll help. Ideally it would be nice to make some friends on here as well - don't worry, I'm not the sort of person that'll ask for your home address / phone number within the first 5 minutes of interaction (unless you have a hot profile picture... kidding!) - just would be nice to feel part of a community again - even a 'virtual' one.
Right - it's time for bed (it was actually time a few hours ago, but mind is in overdrive). Lots of points raised here that I will explore in more detail - I hope that a few of you will stick around to hear me out and put me in my place / comment / give me advice / rant back.
Thanks for dropping in,
D
So here I am, where to start? I'll admit, I never pegged myself as someone who would be starting a blog. A friend of mine had indirectly convinced me to do this. I say 'indirectly' as he is an old friend who I reconnected with on Facebook and I haven't actually caught up with him in person in about 12 years. However, that's neither here nor there (I have a tendency to tangent, apologies) - he maintains this fantastic blog with a fair degree of humour, wit and self-deprecation whilst managing to use it as an outlet for his frustrations, his thoughts, his hopes, his dreams, his jokes etc. I think to myself it must be very therapeutic - which is why I thought I'd give it a shot.
Whilst I would love to hold a candle to his works of art - I doubt I could. My frame of mind at the moment seems very maudlin. See, I've been through a horrendous relationship breakup recently after 3 years of drama and ups and downs. Looking at it relatively, it could have been a lot worse - we weren't married, living together or had any kids - however the impact on me was pretty large - leading me to question seemingly close friendships, my career path and my lot in life. I think I've subconsciously been using this relationship the last 3 years, as an excuse to not actually look at my own life. I don't want to go into a great deal of detail at the moment - because it's late here and I know when I'm tired and I'm writing emails to friends, I have a tendency to ramble.
Anyway - it's good to start things off and it's good to be here. I am hoping that my posts won't be all heavy, deep and self-analytical - because I'm aware that sort of thing can get boring fast - (even for me talking about it again and again). I want to be able to be my old self again - who wasn't so damn serious and high maintenance. Hopefully this'll help. Ideally it would be nice to make some friends on here as well - don't worry, I'm not the sort of person that'll ask for your home address / phone number within the first 5 minutes of interaction (unless you have a hot profile picture... kidding!) - just would be nice to feel part of a community again - even a 'virtual' one.
Right - it's time for bed (it was actually time a few hours ago, but mind is in overdrive). Lots of points raised here that I will explore in more detail - I hope that a few of you will stick around to hear me out and put me in my place / comment / give me advice / rant back.
Thanks for dropping in,
D
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